From Slow Burn to Sole Burner
Allergies plummeted into my life out of nowhere this year! One moment I was immune, and then without any advance symptoms, I was a sneezing, wheezing histamine battleground. Specifically, this all began at approximately 11:40 pm on Friday April 30,2010. I keep for the most part ignoring the inconveniences of the situation, with the expectation that the symptoms are about to end. Any minute now, in very much the same way the began, and without warning.
During my run yesterday, each step felt like a hardship. My nose and eyes were running faster than I was, and my head felt like it was pressure-cooking my brain. For the first mile each step was an exercise in will power. It was HARD to keep going, and made more so because mentally, I wasn’t committed to finishing the run. At any moment was the option to walk, or stop- and so each and every time I broke a new stride, I went through the same mini decision process with myself.
‘Keep going? Yeah, don’t stop yet, you’ll be disappointed later, just keep going. This is hard, feeling so TIRED, maybe I should have stayed home. What would I be doing at home though? Writing, I could be writing a blog post. Yeah but you can still do that. In fact you will do that. It’s only a few more miles. Just keep going’….etc, etc and ad nauseum.
About 1.5 miles into this agonizing experience, it occurred to me that the options to quit or stop or even just to walk, were the most difficult thing about this run. Runners love to run, and it’s easy to be compelled to all out DO something you love, especially when that runner’s high kicks in. Or so I imagine. I’m no runner. Up until now, I always liked to run well enough- with other people, enjoying some friendly conversation or good music as we go, and slightly distracted from any intense breathing by the bucolic surroundings typical to Wisconsin, especially in May. My main goal in all this has been to train for the “Sole Burner” (or the “Slow Burn” as I’ve come to think of it) to raise money for a run to benefit cancer prevention research sponsored by The American Cancer Society.* My main goal up until now, that is.
As I dragged myself along, wheezing and debating and struggling with myself to keep going- I realized in a flash that all I had to do was say yes one time and mean it. If I quieted the internal chatterbox so intent on getting me to stop running,and eliminate the options, I would silence the struggle. In one step I committed to finishing the run regardless of any perceived or anticipated difficulty. The focus went immediately from can I do this, to other things: First I thought about my form, then I drifted to my speed, then I imagined myself getting stronger with each step, then I noticed my breathing and began to challenge myself to take longer and slower breaths in timing with my strides. Suddenly I wasn’t thinking about running – or anything at all for that matter. I was just finished. By the end of the run, my mind and my body were humming along in what felt like a perfectly balanced trance-like state- both exhilerated and peaceful at the same time. It felt like something I’ve tried to achieve through meditation, but all the song bowls, comfortable positions, candles, and guided relaxation exercises in the world- have never succeeded in helping me accomplish anything compared to what I reached through my simple commitment to yes during this run.
Almost any situation has the potential to present these yes moments- they don’t have to be huge to be impactful. A big part of me wanted to swerve off the path, grab Thai take-out, walk home and set myself up to have a Sunday night Louise Brooks marathon. The movies were waiting and it would have been completely REASONABLE choice under the circumstances. Sometimes, more often than not, the best things in life come through sticking to a good plan, doing your best, and overcoming mental obstacles rather than letting them hold you back. And while I prefer to avoid run-on cliches- when the shoes fit, and help you make your point, you might as well just wear ‘em- and in my case- keep on truckin’.
We live in a world of options upon options- EVERYTHING is a possibility. It’s easy to forget one of the most important options we have, is to simply and emphatically choose the something (or someone, or some goal, or some place…) and say YES to that choice. Sometimes it just takes something small, like recommitting to finish a run when feeling lousy, to act as a reminder that the rewards of the world begin and end within hallowed walls of our selves.
*as a side note: The Sole Burner is a run taking place on May 8th in Appleton, WI. It is a fundraising event for the purpose of funding cancer prevention and treatment research. I am officially running in memory of my grandmother, Janet W. Vette, who passed away after a stretch with lung cancer. My mother and father are both cancer survivors. I know countless others whose lives and families have been affected by the disease. Just since asking for pledges and asking people to share their stories with me, I’ve learned of countless more. Much of my reason for doing the run is to take a moment to remember and memorialize the people I love and care for, and the people you love and care for, who have developed strength and courage and an even greater connection to life as a result of their experiences with cancer. If you care to pledge, please click here.
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