Iphone Idrive Ithink Ieat Idrink Iprimp Isigh

All the things we pack into a day, getting somewhere, doing something, rushing, striving, pushing, planning, and demanding that the day unfold in a certain way- that way being in the direction we’ve planned for our future. In this state of mind, every minute should be put to good use. The tao of such things isn’t always as obvious as it seems.

The other day I was on my way to a court appearance about an hour from my office. As I pulled up to a red light in a town 5o miles from my starting point, I had a momentary realization that I could not remember actually getting from point A in Oshkosh, WI to my current location at point B in Sheboygan, WI. And even though the past 75 minutes were a complete blank to me, the evidence of certain small ‘accomplishments’ lay strewn about the car all around me.

The final slurps of venti red-eye sat cradled in a cup holder along with the remains of a partially consumed breakfast sandwich on the passenger side seat. I felt full and like I could use a restroom, so pretty sure they were consumed by me during the drive.

A quick glance in the mirror confirmed my face looked pretty well put together, which indicated that the opened mascara, eye shadow, and lip gloss had certainly been put to good use by me during the drive as well.

Finally, a swipe of my Iphone showed all five email in-boxes to be empty, Tweetdeck was clear of new messages, and Facebook updates all seemed familiar, and even my status confirmed I was ‘driving to court… again’.

As the light changed to green and I shifted my manual Civic slowly into gear, I had to steer with my knee so I could dig through my client’s file, grab a document, and refresh my memory on a few things before court. Maybe I didn’t remember much from the drive, but as all appearances would indicate, it had been quite productive.

Or, was it?

According to a recent NYT piece on the subject, I might have THOUGHT I was multitasking. But unless I am a member of a tiny subset of multitasking superheros (not likely) I was simply treading in sea of disarrayed thoughts, distracted and disconnected from any one thing. Hmmm, this might explain my 75 minute memory loss.

The irony for me, and the thing that reinforces for me that life is truly a process of small realizations on the way to… being right here right now, is that I’ve spent over two years working with a mentor / coach in ‘treatment’ for what has been labeled binge eating disorder. Perhaps ten percent of the coaching focused directly on food and eating, the majority of our time and the central focus of my life over the past two plus years has been learning (and then choosing) to live consciously and with awareness of my thoughts, feelings, actions.

The beauty of developing this kind of awareness and connection is that the world opens up -  mundane becomes interesting, fear becomes exhileration, nothing seems to important- and yet everything is an essential opportunity to dig deeper and learn more. The overwhelming truth of this is to realize, and begin to undo, all the many, many…. many distractions and attachments- and attachment to distractions- that over the years we quietly use to create a shield of unconsciousness.

The most obvious for me was food. I ate, I binged, I hated myself for it, and then did it all again. No amount of self discipline could stop me for long- the more I tried the more I focused on food and eating. What the mind believes, the body will follow.  And mine was no exception. My weight and my confidence ebbed and flowed over the years more times than I can remember. I was trapped and didn’t know how to get out- but then again, I was following a map that lead nowhere.

Somehow I did find Ellen Shuman, the coach and mentor who spent two years helping me peel back the layers of my own private hell to uncover a world I’d never considered before. Getting past binge eating there were so many more distractions, and to be honest I still keep finding them (ahem, see driving story above). Depending on how we engage in something, anything and eveything  has the potential to be an unhealthy distraction that prevents us from being connected to the present moment. For me there were things like shopping, the Internet, work, not liking my work, working out, relationships, not liking my relationships, boredom (oh that’s a big one), procrastination, television, and the list goes on.

Don’t misunderstand, I still do many of the things that I once used as distractions. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that from an outsider’s perspective my life looks very much like it did 2.5 years ago. I’m a fair bit  trimmer, I definitely don’t obsess about my weight or judge my worth by my girth, (actually, I don’t judge other people that way anymore either), the beautiful 42″ plasma television on my wall makes a nice minamilist art piece but hasn’t received any channels in months, I smile more and don’t get upset about things, and you won’t find me complaining about my job or feeling that I am anything but the creator of my own life. These things are mostly  internal changes that have completely transformed my life. Perhaps not in the way I expected when Ellen and I began this journey, but in ways one could never anticipate without going through the experience.

Multitasking might seem like a small thing, but If I choose to drive distractedly, it’s not much different than pulling over to order a bucket of Kentucky Fried and eating the whole thing in one sitting. (you can insert your own poison here as well) Now that I am aware of my multitasking while driving and see what it means to my state of mind and quality of life in the bigger picture, the switch away from it is easy. But I’ll be the first to admit that no amount of scare tactics and statistics, nor even simple common sense about the dangers of driving while distracted, could overcome the urge and compulsion I used to experience telling me to ‘get stuff done’ while I drive.

Awareness and the choice to live consciously are the only things that bring change.  I want to be conscious, I want to be present, I want experience everything life has to offer. When I drive and feel bored, frustrated, antsy, nervous, excited, hungry, happy sad whatever- I welcome these things, sit back, remember to breath, and then just observe myself experiencing the moment. This too shall pass,’ it always does, and invariably awareness of anything transforms into a sense of pure connection and joy- and from this some of the best ideas flow.

Are you aware of any distractions in your life? I would love to hear what other people experience, and your thoughts on self-discipline versus consciousness, multitasking- and anything else you have to share!